Wednesday, February 14, 2007
a new beginning
With a couple of months without immediate internet access, I've had a lot of time to think. We've effectively started a new life in Colorado, and I thought a fresh start on the web would be appropriate as well. Goodbye blogger and livejournal. For those who know me, just do a search for me on myspace. For those that only know me as Draven Grey, I still have www.themusico.com operational on myspace, though in need of an update. I will also have my own artist page up as soon as I get a chance.
Not that I like myspace at all... but when thinking of ways to keep in touch with my friends I left back in Houston, Myspace prevailed over almost all others.
And if you don't know my real name, and care to know all the monotonous details of my life, just email me (it's on the sidebar). Otherwise, I plan on having my more contemplative posts mirrored on my artist page, under Draven Grey. I will post a link here once it's up.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
One Week
In one week, our everything in our house will be either sold, packed, or removed from our abode. In a week and a half, we will be seeing the mountains just north of Colorado Springs, and enjoying time with my family. Then, just two weeks later, we will be looking at this everyday, just outside our second story apartment window...
...though albeit with a bit more snow. All of our window views have mountains and lake, and out our front door are miles of trails, fields, and streams.
I feel sad that we're leaving a few very good friends behind (but we're more than happy to have you come and visit!). It's definitely a mixed emotion. Some friends will always be a part of our life, no matter the distance. But it's still hard to leave them behind. At the same time, we're extremely excited about Boulder.
The spiritual atmosphere is incredible there. The Jewish Renewal community, Nevei Kodesh, is something we've wated to be a part of for a long time. The mountains are amazing. The people are predominately Cultural Creatives (kin spirits). And the schools are beyond comparison to what we're used to in Texas. We spoke with Jonathan's school at length. No more homeschool, yay! In Texas, he was constantly in trouble for what amounts to thinking and interacting in a little bit different way than what is considered normal. In Colorado, they want to help and integrate him, Aspergers and all!
We're also excited about Nadine finishing out her Masters in a Human Services field, whether she continue with social work, psychology, or what have you. I will also be going back to school. Ever since I started studying the Jewish description of the five levels of consciousness, four worlds philosophy, and holistic studies in general, I've taken a great interest in Jungian Psychology and Transpersonal Counseling. It just so happens that one of the best schools in the country for this field is right in the middle of Boulder, Colorado. Granted, they have many more wonderful programs to explore as well -all of which I want a taste of; But I fell in love with Naropa University when I first found it while looking for Jungian Psychology studies; And even moreso when Nadine and I visited the campus last summer.
After this move, I look forward to having time to just sit and think again. I also look forward to mountains and nature in general becoming our recreation area, and the inspiration of it all. I hope to have many more contemplations to write about, as well as be inspired to create more music (maybe even finally start posting some of it).
I could write for hours about the many things we look forward to, our incredible yet ominous move, and the spiritual overhaul Nadine and I have been through lately, but I don't want to ramble any longer. So, I leave you with my letter not to the wonderful people in our life, but to this rather large country that some call the State of Texas.
_____
Goodbye Texas.
I can't say that we'll miss your three seasons (Fall, Spring, and Hell), your opressive spirit (especially when it comes to religion), your long drives (good G_d! One could drive across Europe in that amount of time!), your slums (apparently far below Colorado slums), your lack of snow, your humidity, your slave mentality, your overbearing sense of pride, your Houston. We will, however, miss the few people who have touched our lives, the hick accents, the lack of state income tax, the insane amount of cowboy hats, the southern hardcore music, the numerous religious people that try too hard (humorous, though sad it may be), and the memories. Thank you for raising this strange family. We'll have to come visit some day (just not in the summer). And don't forget to write!
Yours truly, although not really yours anymore,
~Draven
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Jaundice, Depression, & Near Death Experiences
Let the stress begin
The last month and a half has been very life changing. During that time, hospitals became our second home. Ender had a high level of Jaundice, which took a few days of photo-therapy and looking like a super hero (he was wearing a mask to protect his eyes). He's fine now. In fact, he's doing great and healthy.
Postpartum depression hit Nadine hard. Having dealt with depression before, we have learned a lot from it this time. Though that didn't make it any less real. It's been quite a roller-coaster ride emotionally, but it has brought us to an incredible place of understanding ourselves.
Death is not an option
I have to thank my coming extremely close to death, or at least severe brain damage, for helping us gain a new perspective on things lately, and learn a lot from them. Dr. Wayne Dyer's books and audio recordings have been indispensable in this learning process. Along with my studies in Judaism, Quantum Physics, and general spirituality, I've found that what would normally be construed as new age spiritualist hoopla from Dr. Dyer is actually firmly grounded in Quantum Physics and psychology, revolutionary to my spirituality, very much in line with my Judaism, and life-changing to the point of extreme thankfulness.
It's amazing what having your nose swell up to 3 times its normal size, spending almost 2 weeks in the hospital on very powerful meds, bed-ridden 75% of the time, no income for almost two months, and the docs telling you that you're going to die, or at least very possibly can die, will do to a person's perspective on life. And then to come home in recovery for several more weeks, back into Nadine's depression and a nervous break-down, Jonathan's ongoing emotional issues, my being far from 100%, taking care of a new baby, and not being able to work... I can't say that we eased into a new perspective on things, it's more that we were forced to take on a new perspective in order to save our sanity.
Ego begins to take its proper place
Somehow, everything came back to our connectedness and how our ego would like us to think ourselves as separated; separated from each other, from mankind, from God, and otherwise believing that we're alone. Peace, Love, Happiness, Kindness, Togetherness, all not part of the ego. The ego very much acts as a deceiver. If there's anything to blame for emotional distress, it is the ego. Whether it be stress over finances and provision, depression, explosive behavior, anxiety, fear, loneliness, self punishment (real or mental), or any other thing that helps us build a Hell around ourselves, Nadine and I have found it to inevitably be caused by the ego convincing us that we're not connected to those who love us, to the world around us, and ultimately to God. And for the not so religious, you could say "God" is the source of life, the energy that everything is made from, or the force that allows for transcendence, healing, and restoration in this world.
With this newfound understanding of connectedness, Nadine has a new grasp of the depression she's been dealing with, and has been inspired to write books on what we've been learning; I've been able to let go of stressing about provision and finances; Jonathan has found a new way to take control of his thoughts and emotions; and we have found an amazing sense of peace about following our hearts (our intuition, inner-voice, or spirit).
So here we are. We're moving to Boulder, Colorado in a month with a completely new perspective on what it means to live. It would seem that our life is starting fresh in almost every way. I'm thankful for our 2 months in Hell. I'm excited about us following our hearts, and realizing what that actually means. For the first time in a very long time, I feel as if we're truly living. We know that struggles will come, but we've come to see them as merely lessons to be learned, opportunities to grow. I expect to hear from our ego, but I also expect that the more we practice meditation, mindfulness, and connectedness, what the ego has to say will sound less and less important.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
This week in the news...
Ender Michael G.
Oct. 9, 2006
5:56pm
6lb. 4oz.
20 1/2 in.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Job Hunting, Dream Chasing, and Fish
Fishing
The past couple of weeks have been interesting, to say the least. Nadine helped me to complete my resume'. She made it a piece of art. It really stands out! Plus, I had no idea that I had so much experience! I still look at my resume' and wonder who is is that it's describing. I'm surprised again and again that it's me!
It also helped me realize just how interested I am in working with people. It made real how much I love psychology, counseling, and human relations. I find it humorous and a tad ironic that I married a social worker. I love going to Nadine's CEU classes when I'm allowed. I love studying human services and relations. I love small group interaction. And for some odd reason, I also love business. This only re-enforces my desire to study transpersonal psychology, and become a private practicioner. That is something that fits perfectly into my being a record producer and musician as well.
Dreams are like fish, only not smelly
It took me a while to juggle all of my dreams into place; especially with my love for family, my wanting a ton of time with Nadine, a baby on the way, Jonathan's emotional dealings, moving to Colorado, and being financially responsible. It also took a lot of books and audiobooks to encourage me not to give up on my dreams and therein choose an unfulfilled life. I truly believe that giving up your dreams does you and your family a disservice. I also firmly believe that when it comes to your dreams, your purpose, you can have your cake and eat it too.
I've read too much about growing a business into something great and long-lasting, than to give up because something is difficult. It also taught me that prioritizing things in your life doesn't mean having to compromise and give up on things. To prioritize means to make a plan; to get things in order. Steps have to be made in order to see your dreams fully realized -especially when there's so much you want to do. That's what I do with bands as a record producer, so why not myself? So, I sat down with Nadine and wrote a plan.
Juggling fish?
Though I don't want to go into extreme details, I will say that everything has its place, and each things works towards the next. For now, I'm pursuing a managerial or case-worker position. With Ender coming in just a couple of weeks, and Nadine being home after that, my getting a job that I like, that pays the bills, and maybe a little extra, does nothing but help me move forward with other things. Keeping to our plan, by this time next year we expect to be well on our way to financial independence, as well as me having a full time career of living and pursuing my dreams. Nothing need be neglected, nothing given up, nothing shelfed indefinitely.
Beer-battered fish... Mmmmm
Needless to say, I get excited thinking about the plan and where it's taking me. Not that it hasn't been without its stressful moments. Getting a job when I've worked for myself for so long, or when the organizations I've worked for gave me complete freedom, can be a scarey thing. Also, only having a couple of weeks left tends to make it rather urgent. I still struggle with feeling as though I'm giving up my dreams, and have to remind myself of the plan. I still deal with depression now and then, since this can all be so overwhelming. But then I remember that I'm living my dreams right now, and it grows more every day. I remember that I'm not in this alone, and that my life is a holistic journey. I remember, and I thank God for such a wonderful wife, who struggles right there with me to figure the journey out.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
peace, wholness, restoration, healing, justice, tikkun
September 11, 1906, a small-time lawyer in South Africa stood up for the rights of his people in the face of the British Empire. 100 years later, this man is praised for his philosophy and inspiration of nonviolence, which he called "Satyagraha." The effects of Gandhi's philosophy can still be felt today.
Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, is here, and a call to bring justice and healing to the world around us. I'm amazed by the resources now available to help in this. The International Center on Nonviolent Conflict (website) even has a video game designed to simulate leading a nonviolent movement to bring about monumental change. In this game, A Force More Powerful (website), you can practice overthrowing your government! Just kidding. But the implications and resources made available by there being such a game astound me.
Gandhi's grandson also helped to inspire the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), that Nadine and I have found great inspiration from. They teach a form of communication that connects on a heart level. As cheesy as it seemed when we first started practicing NVC, it has proven itself time and time again. Not only has it had great success in peace talks around the world, it has also stopped rapes, muggings, and we personally have seen those "impossible" conversations (i.e. arguments) become very empathetic and meaningful.
Perhaps my favorite organization for healing the world and bringing true justice is Tikkun (website). Though my favoritism is slightly biased by their being predominantly Jewish. They have a voice in politics, as well as a network of organizations for social action, and many small communities or groups focused on personal growth.
On a local level, one of the most interesting things Tikkun created was The Network of Spiritual Progressives (NSP). NSP has a more spiritual/faith focus in social action, as they seem to see family and community at the heart of change. On their website, they state their vision as being (1)Changing the Bottom Line in America; (2)Challenging the misuse of religion, God and spirit by the Religious Right; (3)Challenging the many anti-religious and anti-spiritual assumptions and behaviors that have increasingly become part of the liberal culture. I believe that this is only one of many organizations in a growing movement that sees spirituality as the catalyst for world change, and the desparately needed missing piece on our personal jouneys.
Many leaders in peace movement have been assassinated. Many advocates for peace and tikkun (healing), including myself, have been called names, made fun of, scoffed at, and sometimes spat upon. Though I don't blame those that don't seem to understand nonviolence. In a world and the many cultures that we've grown up in that teach violence as an answer, it is difficult to see things another way. But history itself attests to the few who changed our world foever through nonviolence, while the violent fell time and time again. Empires rise and fall, cultures come and go, politics divide and legalism kills, yet in the end we are still all human beings. We are brethren, and we are connected. And it is in realizing this connection that the world is made just.
On this Yom Kippur, may we all forgive ourselves and each other for allowing our ego to separate us. May this next year be one towards tikkun nefesh and tikkun olam, restoring our soul and healing our world.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Two blogs and a business
That's hard to keep up with. Ofcourse, one blog is the business blog. But trying to keep up with that blog, this blog, the business website, and the business itself, can be quite a task. In any case, I thought I would share with you a low quality version of our new flyer...
Also, the new company description is up. Check it out, here.
Hopefully, now that I'm up to date with The Music Company site stuff, I'll be able to get back on track with my thoughts on this blog.
See you soon.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Heretics and Flying Ninja Penguins
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
I recently recieved a book in the mail for review; A Heretic's Guide to Eternity, by Spencer Burke and Barry Taylor. Many of you may know Spencer from The Ooze, and his ever increasing voice in the Emerging Church community of Christianity. The Ooze published one of my first articles a few years back, that has seemed to make its rounds about through Church communities world-wide, as well as a few international publications. I'm not trying to puff myself up, rather I'm thinking "out loud" as I try to recall my connection to them and understand why I was chosen to review the book.
A Jew struggling to remember my journey out of Christianity
Reading through the book, I found it very hard to connect with for myself. However, I do remember a time when this book would have been indespensable to me. Full of thoughts and journey's that would make a any seeker ask the most difficult questions about their faith within Christianity, I found the book to be a must read for the journeying Christian. One problem I had with it though, is that have strong hints of replacement theology, and what seems to be a oversight of the Jewish roots of the Christian faith; Including Paul's often misunderstood discourses about "Law" obligations when he was speaking to Noachides, and the love of TOrah and it's firm standing when speaking to Jewish believers. I find this to be a rather disturbing, yet often completely unintentional facet of even the most free-thinking Church communities. I'm not saying that I know it all ( I Wish!), but I am saying that it's hard for me to relate and connect with a philosophy that goes down that road. There are plenty that disagree with me, however. And I have to say... we are all on a journey, of which we each hope to end up in the arms of God, in spite of our lack of understanding.
Once a Jew...
I think we would all hope to live with the type of character Jesus had, and to bring healing to our world. But in looking at this man, Jesus, for myself, I cannot find inspiration as a Jew without looking past almost 2000 years of Christian tradition and distortions. Only then do I find a Torah Observant Jewish boy; Who would challange the Pharisee school of Shammai as an Essene from the Pharisee school of Hillel (a much more compassionate school of thought); Who would call Israel back to God's way (a compassionate Torah); Who would challenge the Roman government and its appointed corrupt Jewish leaders; Who then would offer to take Israel's place in dishonor for their falling away from the covenant; And to whom what looks to have been given the highest place of honor by God for him doing so. This is when I find inspiration to pursue healing and retoration both of my own soul and the world around me.
In the end...
I agree with Burke's questioning of religion and legalism, but I could not seem to connect at all with his ideas of Jesus and "Law". Perhaps this is an area in which many Christians would do good to study 1st century Judaism. Brad Young's Paul the Jewish Theologian, and Rabbi Harvey Falk's Jesus the Pharisee, are both books I highly recommend in this line of study. They will open your eyes to an understanding you never thought was possible concerning the Christian New Testament. Also, for an in-depth Jewish roots study, Our Father Abraham, by Marvin Wilson, is also a great study. But if you are a Christian seeker looking to further your journey of thinking in how to live and be the Church apart from legalistic leanings, then Spencer Burke's book will be a welcome addition to your library.
Oh yeah... and about those ninja penguins...
I just made a blog post at The Music Company's myspace about upcoming changes, additions, and the like. If you want to know what the penguin thing is about, you'll have to read there.
By the way,
Thanks for the replies about my giving away the book. I believe it has found a good home.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
How to Win Friends and Influence People
How to find and pursue your dreams and still read 5 books a week
This last week, I finished reading Second Acts, and can honestly say that it lived up to the expectations I mentioned last week. Like I said before, it is both different and better than any other book I've read on the subject of finding and/or living the life you love - and I have read many. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is soul-searching, trying to figure out what it is they want to become and do in life, or trying to overcome the fears and obstacles involved in pursuing that very thing.
I have to say, I have also found the invention of the Audiobook to be very useful this week. I feel incredibly productive, as I've been able to listen to several audiobooks during the time that I would normally only be dull-drumming around.
What one skill would help the most?
In one of the many books and courses I ate this week, one word of advice stood out the most, and never sat down. Imagine who it is you want to become, what things you want to achieve, and where you want to be in a year's time. The obvious thing to do is make a plan to achieve that goal. But I also think that the obvious is too simple a statement to encompass the complexity of the matter. The advice that has been a constant whisper in my ear is to think of what one skill would help the most in achieving your goal/dream. Then, perfect that skill with abandon.
In my pusuit of making being a Record Producer a full-time adventure, I've read and watched many interviews with very successful Producers. I've also been privelidged to be able to hook up with one in my area. Thus far, every single Producer has said that if they can say one thing that is essential in this business, one skill that is more important than any other, it is people skills.
You mean I have to talk to people?
Nadine and I have always had in interest in interpersonal relations. That interest drove us to be Spiritual Counselors for several years, and is a subject that I find myself continually attracted to to this day. I still plan to geta degree in couseling psychology, and certificates in neuro-linguistic programming and non-violent communication. But these things are still in the future. I may understand and study how interpersonal relations work, as well as be able to pass this information to others, but I have always been intimidated and shy when it comes to engaging others in conversation - more specifically, complete strangers. I wanted something I can use now. That's when I came across an amazing book published originally in 1936.
I have passed over this book many times due to my assuring myself that something so old surely was no longer relevant. When I was given the opportunity to listen to the book in audiobook form, I decided to give it a chance. Never have I come across a book so relevant, so impactful, and yet so simple. If there is one skill that can help you in any pursuit in life, it is people skills. And if there is one book, course, or audiobook that can give you a solid foundation in people skills, it is How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie.
There have been many books inspired by this giant, and I have seen traces of it in almost every book I have read on interpersonal relations. If you read no other, read this book. If you would like a good summary, or notes to refer back to, this site I have found to be an excellent resource. But I warn you, simple notes in no way compare to reading or hearing the book in whole.
For some possible extra reading, I've been told that Nicholas Boothman is the Dale Carnegie of our more rushed culture. You can find his books at the link in his name. I'm currently waiting for one of his books to come in at our local library.
I look forward to the following weeks. The biggest thing that has held me back for years is now turning into the biggest thing to move me forward; and that is... people skills.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
A month of something or other
I hope that in my posting my journey, someone out there is being offered a helping hand on theirs.
I haven't posted in a month for many reasons. Planning the move to Colorado, getting a grasp on or rather learning about this thing called Reactive Attachment Disorder (not me), preparing and planning financially for a newborn, considering jobs since Nadine will be at home shortly, and trying to truly launch being a Record Producer have all played a role in my month off from blogging. Probably the most direct reason being that I have a strong desire to change blogs to something that fit where I am in life now, in name and style. I'm exploring having my own domain, and a very customized blog, but that may not come until The Music Company is ready for launching its own webpage as well. Its myspace is decent, but myspace has many drawbacks, and I feel it cannot represent the company properly.
I started writing songs again. My style has changed significantly since my last round of songs. Plus, losing my favorite pieces due to a simultaneous file save and lightening strike didn't help to motivate my starting again. I'm excited about it now. I've also seemed to have picked up all the right books to encourage me in pursuing my dreams again, as well as help me overcome the emotional rut I've been in.
Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man -by Sam Keen
Keen's book helped me to know where my motivations and fears were coming from -from women, to upbringing, to cultural and social influences. It also helped me in being able to be truly present. That is, it helped me to be completely honest with myself about myself and my emotions, as well as be truly in touch with the world around me. It is both amazingly freeing, and incredibly painful. Plus, I've always loved Jungian Psychoanalysis, especially when presented in a manner that can help anyone to overcome fears and be truly themselves.
The Traveler's Gift: Seven Decisions that Determine Personal Success -by Andy Andrews
The story in this book was very inspiring. I found the way the book wrapped up to be a bit on the cheesy side, but the bulk of the book was very helpful on my journey and getting on my feet again. At the opening of the story, the main character finds himself in a crisis. Like most of us, a crisis seems to effect everything and spread -financially, healthwise, career, and everything seems to keep crumbling around us. I immediately identified with his fears. He then travels through time, in a surprisingly not cheesy manner, and gains valuable insight from conversations with several historical figures. I thoroughly enjoyed the conversations, and believe that they served to ingrain a strange inspiration in me. Each conversation ended with an fictional essay of sorts from the historical figure describing one of 7 decisions for personal success. The first book I had read made it so that reading this book was perfect timing for me. It truly helped me to be ready and excited about moving forward again, despite my fears.
Second Acts: Creating the Life You Really Want, Building the Career You Truly Desire -by Stephen M. Pollan and Mark Levine (2004)
A perfect follow up once again, Pollan's book has been not an inspiration, but a coach. Pollan is a "Life Coach" by trade -his own second act. The book is filled with stories of famous people who use dto be common, and common people who are now living a life they love (many of Pollan's clients). The stories are only the "icing on the cake", however; the core of the book is Pollan doing what he does best, helping you find your own answers -from what it is you would love to do with your lofe, to overcoming your fears and obstacles, to setting up a unique yet free-flowing plan. I am only half way through this book, and it has amazed me. I've read several book on "living the life you love" before, and this one is the first that I feel is truly helping me find myself on this journey.
I'm re-ordering a lot in my life right now, and re-prioritizing as well. I've avoided what I truly want to be with dim reflections of that person. I circumvented bring a full-time musician and Record Producer (truly helping other artists) by being an Engineer and pushing the recording studio. Ofcourse, this was doomed to fail, since it's not what I really wanted. I also put off a lot because of fear of losing it due to the move, the baby, finances, and possibly getting a job that pulls me away from it. I've used many distractions along the way, from my music, to recording bands, to being an at home Dad, and many more. I find it humorous how most of us tend to avoid what we truly want in life. I more than understand the fears surrounding that battle, but when I really think about it, I chuckle a little.
I'm beginning to surround myself with people who live motivated lives and those who are encouraging. I'm also actively seeking out those that I can learn from on this journey. I'm excited about meeting with a local Producer this weekend. I feel hopeful as I take my first steps towards what I really want to do in life.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Colorado
There and back again
We drove straight there, in rather uneven shifts. We saw the sun rise over the Texas desert. To see one tree was exciting at that point. Our first mountain, Rabbit Foot, was quite small, but a welcome sight after hours across the desert. Our treck out of Texas took the better part of 12 hours.
After passing a volcano, and the interesting distant and flat-top mountains of New Mexico, we finally entered Colorado. It was literally all uphill from there. Our car had an incredibly difficult time keeping up pace. Apparently, someone decided long ago that the southern Colorado border should be marked by a drive on a very steep mountain highway.
We arrived in Colorado Springs after 17+ hours of driving, only to find out that every campsite in Colorado was full. Over 10 hours later, and a lot of driving around Colorado checking campsites, hotels, and motels, we found ourselves back in Colorado Springs at a very cheap, yet surprisingly clean motel.
The next day was filled with climbing the freestanding walls of rock at The Garden of the Gods, and then having Yerba Mate' tea and Soda water straight from the ground in the quaint town of Manitou Springs. That night, we slept in the car at a rest stop. The view in the morning was stunning.
For the better part of the week we stayed right on a creek, inside a canyon. Our tent was huge, and the leaks made for some fun nights. To top it off, we bought something too large for the car, had to strap it on top for the ride home, and happened to ride through the largest storm front I've ever seen. 9 hours of rain. Due to our strapping something to the top of the car, that 9 hours of our trip was also filled with leaks. It made our trip very memorable... we will always remember the leaks. Boulder Mountain Lodge comes highly recommended from us -especially a campsite on the creek. The creek sings you to sleep at night.
Surrounded by gods
Eldorado Canyon, just south of Boulder, was the site I liked most from our trip. Entering a canyon made us feel insignificant in size, as the ancient gods of lore (read: really tall rock walls) looked down upon us from above. Hiking up Rattlesnake Gulch, traveling past the ruins of a 100-year gone hotel, and resting at a mountain peak, gave us the sense of dwarfing even the mountains. It is a very strange feeling to look upon what just a couple of hours before seemed to be an ominous pillar of strength, to resting while looking at that same wall of rock as if it were something you could step on and crush. On an adjacent mountain, not half a mile from us, ran a train at higher altitude than we dared travel that day. The entire experience was breath-taking.
The drive through the moutains of the back highways to Estes Park was also stunning. And the childhood memories of watching the taffee roll on the machine were made real again. The mountains loomed, the deer acted as if they were as human as we, and the rocks watched us as if to both protect and threaten us all along the way.
Finding ourselves
Boulder proper left Nadine and I dumbstruck while we sat outside at the Pearl Street Mall and watched something we had never seen before. The street performers were fun, the music (even a piano) was great, but we had seen all that before. What amazed us, as we sat silently, was the sheer lack of pretense. We watched as people from every walk of life, from businessman to homeless, from parent to scholar, from musician to performer, each kept an unquestionable uniqueness about them, yet at the same time held a uniform sense of community. There were no walls between people. The only hint of pretense, that I'm not sure I can even call pretense, was in the teenagers who were still trying to find there identity. Yet even in their pretentiousness, it came across more as a searching, a desire to belong, and a respect for the journeys surrounding them.
We sat; we ate fallafel and shwarmas; we listened to literal heroes of literature and heart tell there stories; we moved to the rythhm of a drum circle; we explored a holistic pharmacy; we explored the many bookstores and unique thrift stores; and we found ourselves at home. From the beautiful secenery, to the authentic community, down to the matters of social justice, holsitic living, and vibrant spirituality, Nadine and I felt at home.
It's a small world
So there we were, finally touring the great holistic university of the west, Naropa. Nadine and I are both very interested in the types of study and degrees they offer at Naropa. Our tour guide even helped us to get a better feel for what it would be like living in Boulder. Being Jewish, she answered much of our curiosity of the Jewish community in the area as well.
The height of that day was when what we had talked about being unlikely yet highly ironic actually happened. As we walked into Naropa's office to start the tour, our next door neighbors were sitting just inside, waiting for the same tour. I think that made the tour that much more enjoyable. We later had a walk with them to an ornate indonesian tea house, were we parted ways.
Seeing red again
to clarify the subtitle, Colorado means the color red.
The eventual move of my brother and his family stirred up my parents to solidify the idea of moving closer to my father's office (in colorado Springs), which in turn helped Nadine and I finally make the decision to move to Boulder -which we had seriously considered for some time. January is soon around the corner, and we hope to be seeing the mounatins covered in snow as we settle into a new home around Boulder. Just a couple of months after the birth of Ender Michael, and a couple of weeks after Jonathan's 9th birthday, we will find ourselves at home once again. Perhaps this will be what finally pushes me to my new blog.
Though now few in number, I can honestly say that we will miss our friends here deeply. Some of them we already miss... some of them we have missed for a while. But the thought of being close to 1500 miles away somehow reinforces it.
Nethaneel will probably be missed the most. He was with us as we sat in awe of the streets of Boulder. He was with us as we climbed the heads of the gods. He was with us as we slept in the car, and as we lay in the water dripping from our tent (most especially on him). I wonder how it will be up there without him. He was with me and helped me as I struggled to free myself from the label I no longer represented, Christianity, and embraced my Jewishness. He has been with me as I sought my vocation, and have slowly thrown off cultural expectations and more clearly pursued who I want to become. He has been with Nadine and I both as we have struggled to find ourselves when we feel that we no longer belong here, but rather 1500 miles away. I could easily name others, but Nethaneel has been our closest friend, and will be dearly missed.
I hope to have some business endeavors left here. I hope to visit my friends here, as I produce several artists in this area, and keep a small recording studio going. I also hope to visit the first 30+ years of my life every now and then, taking a stroll down memory lane, in this place that has already changed so much from what I remember, but still holds shadows of how I came to be who I am.
Shalom.
Friday, June 30, 2006
a day to be remembered
Today we're leaving for Boulder, CO. We'll be spending a week up there, camping. This trip is a prelude to where we will be living starting next year. We're both extremely excited about living there. From the base of the Jewish Renewal movement, it being an area known for spiritual awakening, being surrounded by holistic and like-minded individuals. The way thet Rabbi Firestone described her moving there when at very much the same place in life Nadine and I are, I'm not looking forward to losing our individuality and uniqueness, but it is well worth it for the sense of community we will have.
Today we're ordering our replacement wedding bands. These are much more personal than the ones we placed on each other's hands four years ago. Nadine picked out a very vintage looking, silver wedding set, with one main diamond and many small diamonds lining the length of the band. I will be ordering a simple silver ring with raised Hebrew letters saying, "Matzati Et She'ahava Nafshi" - meaning "I found him/her who my soul loves". This saying from the songs of Solomon goes on to say, "I held him, and would not let him go". The him/her is not gender specific, but I think works either way - whether seeing the ring as a gift from Nadine, or a proclamation from myself.
Today, four years ago, I held the hand of an Angel, and vowed her eternity.
Friday, June 23, 2006
life, the universe, and everything
Nevermind that the answer is 42, and the question of "what is 6 times 9?" actually equals 42 in chaotic math, or that if you haven't read (or possibly watched) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, then you have no idea what I'm talking about. Nevermind that 42 is the numerical value of one of the main Hebrew names of God. And nevermind that I missed a post last week, as I was busy contemplating the answer of life, the universe and everything.
Now that you don't mind...
reflecting is the easy part
Preparing for our vacation in Boulder, Co the first week of July has kept us pretty busy; if not in action, then in thought. The thought of moving there come January has kept the idea of a fresh start, new journeys, and renewal on the forefront of my mind.
I think my ongoing conversation with Nadine about the studio is finally starting to sink in. Pursuing the "quick money" that the studio could bring in has me distracted from what I love doing. It also has yet to give real results. But it that struggle between the fear of actually doing what I love to do and the hope of the studio making a quick buck that I have dealt with for going on 6 years now. These last couple of weeks have helped me to cut out some of the clutter of that struggle. And as time goes on, I hope that the struggle continues to get easier for me.
I often written on pursuing your passion, doing what you love, overcoming fear or depression and other obstacles. I also done a heck of a lot of studying, reading and writing on principle-centered or value-driven living, inter-personal relationships, counseling, spirituality, Judaism (an amazing resource for spirituality and social-action), restoring/healing the soul, and restoring/healing the world. I've also read and studied a library's writh of books on business, how to start, run, manage, market, expand, multiply, invest, etc... But it has taken me several years to begin to integrate the first group with the business group.
Now I feel as though I'm standing at the edge of a new frontier once again. Only this time, I'm doing my best not to turn around and go the other way again.
why I want to be a hedgehog
Jim Collins mentioned in one of his many excellent books, From Good to Great, that one must have a "hedgehog concept" to align to. To explain, the hedge-hog is so focused upon what it is doing that the world around it becomes almost non-existent. I believe the idea is from an old Greek parable that says, "The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing." He goes into quite a bit more detail, which I believe he included on his website as well, and I hope what follows will clarify a bit more.
Focus is the key of this concept, but focus on what? We would all like to focus on what brings us the most happiness. And if it pays our bills, all the better, not to mention easier! Collins asks 3 simple questions that give the answer to what focus will bring about the most productive and enduring focus. If something sits outside this focus, it is a distraction, and most likely keeping us from success. What I found is that though Collins intended this for business, once I started and continued asking it about myself, everything started falling into place. I will try and recollect in my own words...
1. What can you be the best in the world at?
What about not best in the world at? "Best" means just that too, The Best.
2. What brings the money?
I think he described it as "drives your economic engine", but I understood it more to mean what can support itself financially, and leave room to grow.
3. What are you passionate about?
I've asked this all too often. Who are you at your core? What "gets you going"? The part I missed was asking the other 2 questions with equal measure.
"To have a fully developed Hedgehog Concept, you need all three circles. If you make a lot of money doing things at which you could never be the best, you'll only build a successful company, not a great one. If you become the best at something, you'll never remain on top if you don't have intrinsic passion for what you are doing. Finally, you can be passionate all you want, but if you can't be the best at it or it doesn't make economic sense, then you might have a lot of fun, but you won't produce great results."
http://www.jimcollins.com/lab/hedgehog/p2.html
missing the mark
Here's my mistake... Music is not a specific passion. It's very general. What I began to realize is that I've been avoiding what I really love to do in order to focus on what's bringing in the money. The money, however, has not been brought in. I can be a great "studio engineer", but doing it because I kinda like to and because I thought it could make a lot of money quickly kept me off balance.
I could be a great at indie-rock, solo stuff. It doesn't really get me excited though. Sorry folks, it doesn't look like an album of my music in this genre is going to be forthcoming. However, I'm seriously considering going ahead and recording my favorite songs, and sending them off to some music libraries. If a famous artist picks one up, I'm more than happy to see someone else go far with it. Trying to push myself to write this stuff when I want to be doing something else is very frustrating.
Outside of music, I love spiritual counseling, Judaism, and massive amounts of study in the areas I mentioned near the beginning of this post. I considering becoming a Rabbi, studying Jungian or Transpersonal Psychology, getting certified to teach Nonviolent Communication, and several other things along that line. I may still do them all, but not as a pursuit more than at my liesure.
I've mentioned before that I love producing. I may still write beats for some artists that have approached me for Hip-Hop, Raggae, and R&B, but what I love is acting as an old-school A&R Rep or producer - signing an artist, developing them, pulling the best out of them, recording them at their best, shopping them, and generally boosting their career.
I also love writing and performing in a few different yet complimentary genres... hardcore, industrial, symphonic, soundtrack, and other music that may help to engross you in your favorite video game, sci-fi movie, or nine inch nails concert. Yes, I said it... or at least I used to find nine inch nails inspiring. Reading the story of how he got started, I feel very encouraged in pursuing this passion.
a culmination of many conversations
After many talks with friends, years of chasing after psuedo-dreams, many failures, much frustration, and a lot of barriers and fears (with more yet to come), I believe that my hedgehog concept is coming into balance. Being a producer, composer and musician in the genres I mentioned highly compliment one another. Also, the spiritual and social-action endeavors fit into this as well. I absolutely love doing it for its own sake, I can be damn good at it (not to be conceited), and it can pay the bills and then some(with a slow but enduring build up).
The other stuff compliments the core focus, but I want to keep them at a hobby's distance. I can do them for fun, but focusing on them pulls me away from being productive and seeing my dreams become reality. The 3 questions have been difficult to find a balance between, and I hope to keep asking them so that I keep the balance that I have begun to find.
I hope that writing about my journey helps you on yours. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of running like a fox. "Jack of all trades, master of none." What is your hedgehog concept?
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
I believe in Selfishness
My friend,Provoked, recently wrote an article called Spirituality where he wrote on "bad" things, especially in the context of Religion, possibly being summed up in the word "selfishness." His article led him to an interesting question as well...
"Is religion bad? Or the selfishness of those who adhere to said religion?"
I believe that leads us to more questions... Are most religions selfish? Are they followed or chosen for merely selfish reasons? Is selfishness really "bad"?
I don't believe that selfishness in and of itself is hurtful by any means. Self-centerdness can be. It's not so much the focus on self though, but rather the non-focus on others. To not focus on yourself, you do a diservice to yourself and those around you. You must take care of your own needs in order to be truly and fully present to others. But to do so at another's expense is when it becomes hurtful, fearful, inconsiderate, or generally missing the point.
Perhaps then it's not about "good" or "bad", but rather much more personalized, about what we value and how it effects the world around us.
Friday, June 02, 2006
TheMusiCo
The last couple of weeks have picked up quite a bit for the studio. We've been very busy. If not from recording, then from correspondence.
Last week, we recorded Artist at the Scene. They recorded upstairs in one of their houses. For keeping all their scratch tracks instead of recording guitars and bass separate, I was pleasently surprised with the final mix. Thankfully, so were they.
This week, we recorded Snipe-n-Spiktakula, of Momentum Records fame. The song will be on MTV soon. They're shooting the video in two weeks. I haven't done hip-hop in a long while, and it was my first time to record an artist in that genre. I've only written beats for artists before. Currently, I'm writing beats for a Raggae artist and perhaps an R&B artist soon. It's fun, and pretty simple, but recording hip-hop was much different than I expected. A lot of tracks, and multiple vocal overdubs. One song has took 3.5 hours to record, and going on 4-5 hours to mix/master. It's been a bit of a culture shock to me, growing up the white middle-class that I did, but it's been fun as well. I've learned a lot, and I also have been wanting the company to break into that genre. Spik has shown interest in joining the company too. He's got a good resume for audio engineering.
Speaking of (or rather writing of) engineers... We have one rookie going into training that just joined us, and another that we're meeting with soon who just moved down from New York. Should all work out, and Spik bring in the hip-hop scene, we'll have 3 engineers and possible producers keeping things going in Houston when I move to Colorado. The expansion into another state looks more promising every day.
This leaves me in much anticipation of the new company. There's still a lot of goundwork to be done, but it appears that "getting the right people on the bus" and getting a clearer picture of exactly where the bus is headed, is truly becoming something of a flywheel effect. That is, it's picking up momentum and getting easier as the days go by. That's also a direct reference to Jim Collins amazing studies into what makes companies great; an author that I highly recommend to entrepenuers everywhere.
Sunday will be filled with writing Raggae beats. Next week, I'm going to try and finish some of my own songs, and see if we can give a good nudge to all the artists that have contacted us about our studio's buy-out special (or rather "change-over special" - that just doesn't sound as good). I've thought myself to be rather insane for pricing things so low laely, and I'm looking forward to the new company running their somewhat more expensive grand-opening special in a couple of weeks.
Check out the studio's myspace above. It won't be the same for much longer.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Thoughts on Judaism
This is in relation to my post, Thoughts on God, from last week. In fact, it was part of the same conversation.
I don't see Judaism as a religion. Though it is often classified as a religion, once you get to know it, it is much more of a philosophy of life. That is one reason that I believe the God of Israel is so undefinable. He is the source of all things, the governer of all, and the nurturer of all. That's why I really liked defining God as Love. It seems to embody a "short and to the point" depiction of God. Not a "great eye in the sky", nor impersonal, a person, something seperate from us, or directing the world from afar; rather a very personal, very connected, source of life, linking us all together, and guiding our values.
One of my favorite authors, Rabbi Lawrence Kushner, wrote in Invisible Lines of Connection:
There are two ways to understand our relationship with God: God can be above us or we can be within God. In the first, it is possible for us to have a relationship with God. There are two descreet parties who can each behave freely and independently. And since God is other than the world, there must be some things which are not God: A devil, an evil instinct, the "dark side of the force." Evil has its own indelendent existence. It is in business for itself.
In the second model, we are within God; we are one with God. God is everywhere and everything. All being derives its reality from God. According to this paradigm, if God is within all creation, then what appears as evil can only be a distant, albeit distorted, expression of the divine. This doesn't make it "good." But nothing can be entirely separate from or independent of God. Everything, tehrefore, is the way it is "supposed" to be.
We are not so separate from God as we would like to think, nor are we from creation. I believe when we look at our core, at the values and principle things that are transcendent and guide mankind to greater things, what we find is God looking back at us. And that God we find there seems to be well seated within Judaism.
It's interesting to note that when going back over history, what one might call the basic tenets of modern civilization and morality almost all find their origin within Judaism. Rabbi Shmuley Boteach outlines part of this very well in the first chapter of his book, Judaism for Everyone. From belief in the brotherhood of mankind, to our outlook on peace, leadership, values, potential, family, diversity, and other utopian ideals, Judaism is found at their origin, and still instills these values to this day. It is also the one "religion" that focuses not on escaping this world, but rather on enjoying this world (party!), making it a better place (perfecting it), being inclusive of all mankind, and maximizing our potential as humans.
If you're looking for a more scientific approach, I highly recommend Rabbi David Nelson's book, Judaism, Physics, and God. It explores not so exclusive subjects of faith and science, in thankfully non-technical terminology.
As I study, I find myself more and more amazed at how scientifically advanced Torah is, not to mention civilly. I have yet to explore its proposed methmatical perfectness, but I've had one of my friends completely dumbfound me with information about that as well.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Noachide, Noahide, Noachism, and then some.
I've been trying to write up something on Noachism lately, that is God's covenant with all mankind, in parallel with His covenant with Isreal. An email I got a while back got me ineterested in writing about it. The problem has been, everytimte I research it in order to write some on it, I feel disconnected from it. I'm not sure whether it is because of its simplicity, it being somewhat obvious/a given, or that it has been so much a part of me that I can't separate myself enough from it in order to write objectively about it.
Reading through article after article on the Noahides ("God-fearers" in the 1st-century term), my mind kept returning to what a friend of mine had written on the subject. So, in order not to repeat something that has already been written quite well, here are some posts by provoked about his decision to choose Noachism...
The Logic of Choosing Judaism...
And what I believe is a wonderful follow up...
A Dismisive Critique...
And for a more Jewish perspective, I recommend The Root and Branch Association.
Friday, May 19, 2006
The Killer Stuff is at the End.
A short update on my life...
Studios don't last forever...
...but we can sure make it seem like it.
Inner Sanctum Studios is picking up business bit by bit. I'm excited to finally see it happening. I suppose that several months of studying marketing and finally getting to impliment what I studied is started to pay off. We're having a massive change over soon, so the "buy-out special" we have going on right now makes me think I'm going insane - It's over 75% off our previously advertised price. Hopefully the new ad for the special will be up this weekend.
I'm highly looking forward to the change over. The new company, The Music Company, is a full production company. That means that it operates not only as a recording studio, but also as a record label, independent producers, and generally like the old days of A&R. That's back when the record label was mostly hands off, while the A&R Representative found, developed, recorded, and overall helped artists do what they love most. Since the terms A&R Rep, Producer, and the like have since come to mean something completely different, we're opting for a more "all-around" term, Liason.
The new website, www.themusico.com, isn't up yet, but it is pointing to our current myspace until we can get things going. A few samples are up there as well, including a band I produced personally, U and i. I'm less than happy with myspace, however. It's a crude interface, often comes across as more of a dating service than an online community, and is generally slow to update things I've updated in the background (I've been waiting 2 days for a song I uploaded to process).
Where's the killer stuff?
It's coming. But right now I wanted to touch on something just as personal. This Sunday is my 31st birthday. I'm not yet sure how I feel about it. Looking at my life, I'm generally happy with where I am and where I'm going. Not many people pursue their dreams into reality, and that's something I'm seeing happen in my life.
In a way, that takes me back to The Music Company. I'm negotiating a record deal with 4 different artists right now. One of them I wouldn't exactly call negotiation though, but it is the one I'm most excited about - myself. I'm finally writing again. Damien Rice, being close to my age and style, inspired me to pursue that part of me that I had almost given up on. Sure, I had my compositions, soundtrack-oriented stuff, and some of my heavier stuff I still mess around with and plan on releasing via the company. What I haven't been able to do until recently, however, is write lyrics for my acoustic music (guitar and piano). Out of all my music, I find this genre my most passionate. I'm glad to be writing again.
Maybe Killing is a strong word...
...But it is pretty hefty news. If you didn't read the above, and merely skipped to this part, you missed a great deal. But all's fair, and if you know me, then you will eventually hear all of that anyway. So now for the reason why we're going to wait until January to move to Boulder... I wish that I could have told some of you in person, but either you don't live anywhere near me, or it has been nearly impossible to get with you. Nadine is now 18 weeks into her pregnancy! Next week we'll find out the gender! Perhaps some pictures from the ultrasound will be in order. And I look forward to sharing them with you.
fin
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Thoughts on God
Being that it's been a month since my last post, and the new blog isn't getting up and running quite as quickly as I would like, and it seems that my life is not slowing down any time soon, I thought I might post here some more.
I recently got in a conversation about God with some friends, and wanted to share my thoughts here, sort of as a journal entry...
Ever since I started reading about the Jewish Renewal movement, one particular thing has haunted me -though in a good way. Rabbi Lerner basically said that God is the force in the universe that makes possible transendence and healing.
Perhaps then it is how we define God, or what we define God as. When Historian/Bishop NT Wright was told by one of his counselees, "you won't be seeing much of me, I don't believe in God," His response was, "Oh, that's interesting; which god is it you don't believe in?"
In fact, Wright sums up the Jewish view of God quite well, at least for the first century...
God's Spirit broods over the waters, God's Word goes forth to produce new life, God's Law guides his people, God's Presence or Glory dwells with them in fiery cloud, in tabernacle and temple. These four ways of speaking moved to and fro from metaphor to trembling reality-claim and back again. They enabled Jews to speak simultaneously of God's sovereign supremacy and his intimate presence, of His unapproachable holiness and his self-giving compassionate love.
Nadine explained it well to Jonathan (our son) the other night. He beats himself up at times because he wants "to be perfect like God." She responded to him by telling him that she thinks of God as love, which he seemed to get very well. Our pursuing love (in deed, character, and core value) is to become closer to God, be governed by a higher power, and repair and heal not only our own soul, but also the world around us. To act in love, and to cherish and be governed by love at the core of our being, is what I believe the entire point of Torah is. God is to me that unseen force that allows for healing and transendence; God is in this sense, what I believe that often misunderstood and misused Jew named Paul was referring to, Love.
I find it interesting that within Judaism God is referred to in a feminine and nurturing sense much more than the masculine. Describing God is usually in a very feminine light (Wisdom, Understanding, Counsel, El Shaddai -the many breasted one, nurturing, giver of life, compassionate, etc). The masculine is not descriptive as much as it is a place of honour (like King of kings which was originally said to piss-off the king of Babylon, or Father, which gave a place of honour as protector and provider).
I think this also gives some insight into the differences of how the majority of Christians and Jews relate to God. My online friend, Pooh Man, posted a short story to his blog the other day that I think shows a bit of how this difference looks in everyday life. You can read it here.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Sorry for the wait
I know that I don't usually just talk about my life, but I felt some sort of an update was in order since I haven't posted for a couple of weeks.
It has been a long two weeks, and the next two months look just as busy. Passover was relaxing this year. It wasn't the party we had before however, more of a private thing this year.
Nadine and I are moving to Boulder CO in a month or so, so the last couple of weeks has been spent preparing for that. I'm not looking forward to working for someone else while I build my business again up there, but the move will be well worth it. The job search has been quite frustrating. 18 years in the music industry, 14 as a composer and singer/song-writer, 6 as a recording engineer, 2 as a producer, and slim-to-none looking for someone in those arenas. Any one know someone in the Boulder or Colorado area music or audio industry that might need some assistance?
We have quite a bit more going on as well, but haven't had a chance to tell all of our friends in person yet. I'll post more on that later.
For the time being, we're pushing the studio end of The Music Company to make a little extra money before we move. Once there, I hope we can quickly find a few good artists to produce. That reminds me, Provoked is a great web designer if anyone should need one. I hope to have him help with our new Music Company website this coming week.
Also, should I have more than a few spare minutes, look for this blog to be changing locations soon.
Thanks for reading this incredible dry update :)
Shabbat Shalom.
