Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Jaundice, Depression, & Near Death Experiences
Let the stress begin
The last month and a half has been very life changing. During that time, hospitals became our second home. Ender had a high level of Jaundice, which took a few days of photo-therapy and looking like a super hero (he was wearing a mask to protect his eyes). He's fine now. In fact, he's doing great and healthy.
Postpartum depression hit Nadine hard. Having dealt with depression before, we have learned a lot from it this time. Though that didn't make it any less real. It's been quite a roller-coaster ride emotionally, but it has brought us to an incredible place of understanding ourselves.
Death is not an option
I have to thank my coming extremely close to death, or at least severe brain damage, for helping us gain a new perspective on things lately, and learn a lot from them. Dr. Wayne Dyer's books and audio recordings have been indispensable in this learning process. Along with my studies in Judaism, Quantum Physics, and general spirituality, I've found that what would normally be construed as new age spiritualist hoopla from Dr. Dyer is actually firmly grounded in Quantum Physics and psychology, revolutionary to my spirituality, very much in line with my Judaism, and life-changing to the point of extreme thankfulness.
It's amazing what having your nose swell up to 3 times its normal size, spending almost 2 weeks in the hospital on very powerful meds, bed-ridden 75% of the time, no income for almost two months, and the docs telling you that you're going to die, or at least very possibly can die, will do to a person's perspective on life. And then to come home in recovery for several more weeks, back into Nadine's depression and a nervous break-down, Jonathan's ongoing emotional issues, my being far from 100%, taking care of a new baby, and not being able to work... I can't say that we eased into a new perspective on things, it's more that we were forced to take on a new perspective in order to save our sanity.
Ego begins to take its proper place
Somehow, everything came back to our connectedness and how our ego would like us to think ourselves as separated; separated from each other, from mankind, from God, and otherwise believing that we're alone. Peace, Love, Happiness, Kindness, Togetherness, all not part of the ego. The ego very much acts as a deceiver. If there's anything to blame for emotional distress, it is the ego. Whether it be stress over finances and provision, depression, explosive behavior, anxiety, fear, loneliness, self punishment (real or mental), or any other thing that helps us build a Hell around ourselves, Nadine and I have found it to inevitably be caused by the ego convincing us that we're not connected to those who love us, to the world around us, and ultimately to God. And for the not so religious, you could say "God" is the source of life, the energy that everything is made from, or the force that allows for transcendence, healing, and restoration in this world.
With this newfound understanding of connectedness, Nadine has a new grasp of the depression she's been dealing with, and has been inspired to write books on what we've been learning; I've been able to let go of stressing about provision and finances; Jonathan has found a new way to take control of his thoughts and emotions; and we have found an amazing sense of peace about following our hearts (our intuition, inner-voice, or spirit).
So here we are. We're moving to Boulder, Colorado in a month with a completely new perspective on what it means to live. It would seem that our life is starting fresh in almost every way. I'm thankful for our 2 months in Hell. I'm excited about us following our hearts, and realizing what that actually means. For the first time in a very long time, I feel as if we're truly living. We know that struggles will come, but we've come to see them as merely lessons to be learned, opportunities to grow. I expect to hear from our ego, but I also expect that the more we practice meditation, mindfulness, and connectedness, what the ego has to say will sound less and less important.
